everything in me seizes up when i walk by your desk. every time. i cursed the teacher who assigned you two rows in front of me midway through the term, bemoaning the loss of your mindless chatter to cut through the boredom. now i can’t celebrate it enough, that it is jim the new transfer student that has to sit next to an empty table 4 times a week. that at least i can sense someone else to my right in class. hearing the scratching of robert’s pen on paper might not be your rhythmic tapping, but neither is it not complete silence. if i don’t look up, i can fool myself for just a bit longer.
my grades sink. i don’t really care, because we committed to the same college, which everyone said was dumb and that we’ll never make other friends. well, i guess i’ll have to now. at least in five months i won’t have to stare down the minda-shaped-elephant-in-the-room every morning at seven. sometimes, i stay awake through the night just so i can guarantee that my brain won’t be able to process anything the next day, much less the concept forever. or loss.
you know what i’m pissed off about? that no one uses voicemails anymore. or that everyone uses snapchat and instastories instead of just recording videos that actually stay on your phone past 24 hours. because i didn’t know i would have to live on memories forever, minda, and i’ve been replaying those stupid voice messages we send each other when we’re too lazy to type too often. so often i know every hitch of your breath. its so stupid. do you think snapchat would send me the silly videos you sent me at 3am while cramming for your bio test if i just emailed them? they have to have your face saved in a server somewhere, right?
last year you tagged me in a facebook post you made when you were 14, talking about how you wanted to be a doctor. you said “HAHAHAHA @AMANDA ISNT THIS HILARIOUS REMEMBER WHEN I WASN’T GONNA BE A BROKE ENGLISH MAJOR”. forget about majoring in english, now you won’t even graduate from high school. how is any of this fair?
a/n: save me i don’t know what i’m doing someone teach me how to WEAVE